The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamaran
by Gobeul
Summary: See what the Guide has to say about the home of everyone's favourite alien no, not ET..Please Review!Rated for descriptions


Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans and I don't own 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy'. I was going to put this in 'God of Luck', but it would have been too long and too easy to miss. So here's something everyone can enjoy: a one-shot about the home of everyone's favourite redhead. (Note: Azarath will be next)

* * *

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Tamaran, planet of Top Tens

It was night in the T-Tower. Two young lads snuck out of bed to finally learn something about Tamaran. One of them had once visited the place, though he hadn't been able to make much sense of it, which was a shame, because a very dear lady friend of his happened to be from that planet. He had a lot of trouble making much sense of her as well, though he liked her a lot. The other was a fairly new member who had recently acquired a copy of 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' through means best left unmentioned.

"Okay, Robin, are you ready for this?" spoke the owner.

"Yes," came the reply.

"Okay, let's see what we can find," and with that, he opened the Guide and requested the information about Tamaran, this time going for the full background story.

This is what the Guide had to say…

When first arriving on Tamaran you may get the impression that this is a planet of prosperity, tranquillity and peace.

That is, until you get your first glimpse of a male Tamaranean. Males of the dominant species are huge by every Galactic standard in existence, with bulging muscles, large beards and generally intimidating features. This has put them in the Top Ten of Scariest Possible In-laws in the Galaxy, falling just below Vogons in that category. Indeed, it is not the only Top Ten they appear in. These are actually quite legion.

In any event, the male Tamaraneans, despite their barbaric appearances, are jolly good fellows as long as you keep your manners. It is not hard to get a drink out of a Tamaranean if you can prove you have once been in a fight with just about anything bigger than a cat. It's just not recommended, as any drinks you get will be served in goblets so large and heavy one would need a Sirius Cybernetics Anti-Gravity device to even lift it. Seeing as aforementioned devices prefer spending their time criticising intergalactic masterpieces, it is a far better idea to just bring a very large straw. Or of course, one could just dip a towel in the goblet and squeeze the drink out of it.

This again proves the immense usefulness of the simple towel.

Tamaraneans have incredible physical strength and are in fact listed in the Top Ten of Strongest Peoples in the Galaxy, falling just under the Hyper-intelligent Planet-eating Goat and the (presumably extinct, more likely a myth) Saiyans of Vegeta 5.

Speaking of which, some researchers at the University of Maximegalon have speculated about the origins of Tamaran's inhabitants. Most agree that the species evolved from settlers, for the simple fact that no planet can be that pleasant and yet produce a race of such strength. What settlers they evolved from remains a mystery. Some believe that Tamaraneans are actually the result of interbreeding between Tuffles and Saiyans, the supposed dominant species of the planet Vegeta 5. However, no evidence remains, as Vegeta 5 and its inhabitants were claimed to have been a people who conquered and sold planets, a business that would have become obsolete as the equally legendary Magrathea came into the picture, supposedly a planet-factory. Sadly, we will never know the whole story.

In any event, there are some startling similarities between the existing Tamaraneans and the non-existent Saiyans, at least what is known of them. Their strength seems to match, if a bit watered down, but that in turn could be explained and compensated by their Tuffle blood. This could also account for their loss of tail and high intelligence, at least technologically. They still have a hectic reaction to the full moon, so if you have a Tamaranean girlfriend, **WATCH OUT**! They get very emotional and with their strength, that can be very dangerous. This has also put them in the Top Ten of Most Emotionally Unstable Peoples in the Galaxy, although this has been known to shift regularly. Their mysterious origin, which is even unknown to them, has also been put in the Top Ten Galactic Mysteries, alongside the fact that every civilisation has a drink called Gin and Tonics (or something phonetically like it) and the Mystery of the Disappearing Biros.

Another important detail one should be aware of is the fact that on Tamaran, the internal arts of energy projection are as common as hydrogen. Everyone from that planet can shoot energy bolts out of their hands, though in times of emergency the mouth and other body cavities have been known to shoot equally painful bolts. This has also been frequently linked to Saiyan heritage, but again, nobody can prove it.

One of the most important things to know about on Tamaran, however, is girls. The females of Tamaran are generally acknowledged as being one of the Ten Most Beautiful Sights in the Galaxy, in fact topping binary sunrises. Many men have visited Tamaran in hopes of getting a Tamaranean girl into bed. Not many succeeded, though, for obvious reasons. Most did not survive, for even more obvious reasons. It seems to escape the general public that incredible strength is not limited to males on Tamaran. As a result, the Great Womanising Wave (which effectively doubled the population of three star systems and made them five times ore handsome) ended on that very planet. There is a monument of this in the Capitol city of the planet, simply called The Capitol. This has put Tamaran in yet another Top Ten, this time that of 'Great Planets in Galactic History', in the same league as Krikkit, the ultimate war-planet.

As said before, Tamaranean girls are among the most beautiful sights in the Galaxy. The problem, however, lies in the approach. Move too fast, say one obscene remark and your very life is forfeit. If your girl doesn't kill you, her father will make you wish she had. (Actually they have more of a mentor way of raising, rather than parental, but that's besides the point).

Jules Ancicasa, master seducer of Eroticon 4 and sole survivor of the Great Womanising Wave, suggests the following method:

"When you enter a bar, try and locate someone who isn't dancing so wildly or even someone just sitting against a wall. This girl is most likely not enjoying herself and, as such, will appreciate any honest attempt to cheer her up. Do note: HONEST ATTEMPTS ONLY! If such an opportunity does not present itself, don't even bother trying to talk to anyone on the higher levels, as flight is an easy skill for Tamaraneans in a good mood. Any intervention, even if you can fly yourself, will spoil the mood and is likely to attract a lot of attention you don't want. Rather, explore the floor. Any dancers here are either not feelingquite alright or deliberately staying on the ground to socialise with outsiders. In any case, you now have a decent opportunity to get a new girlfriend.  
At this point I warn you for two things:

-Real Tamaraneans have green eyes, (with some albino exceptions, but these are recognised easily) and are always very powerful. If you ask a girl whether all the stories about her race are true, she will ask which stories you are referring to. When you bring up their strength at this point, it is time to order a drink. If she is a genuine native, she will order a huge goblet. There are no exceptions to this rule, as Tamaraneans have nine stomachs and need to compensate for it by taking huge portions of everything nutritional. Fakers are very common due to the planet's reputation, but so far none have been able to lift a native drink. "

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy notes that this is the only good thing to ever come from the Sirius Cybernetics Company. It should also be noted that there are no differences in price between the huge native portions and the regular glasses for outsiders. No other species can tolerate as much alcohol, so there really isn't any point in raising financial differences. Needless to say, Alcoholic Tolerance is another Top Ten they are famous for.

"-The other thing you need to be careful of is parental presence. Education happens through a system of mentors and pupils, which means nobody has any close contact with their biological parents. This also means that if you make a move towards anyone, it is very possible that the girl's surrogate father is watching you like a hawk. Be very careful of this; these mentors are very protective and will not hesitate to kill you if you are annoying their little girl.

If you have managed to start a conversation, may I congratulate you for surviving this long. Now comes the hard part: what to talk about. Generally, any subject will do, as Tamaraneans are a very social people. One word of advice, though: don't try anything to get her in bed immediately. Even if the parental authorities aren't watching your every move, it's just not going to work. You can't get her drunk; too fast metabolism. You can't drug her; immunity to just about everything and an allergic reaction to everything else, so don't even try it. You can't try hypnotism without consent either; they can smell it a mile away. Rather, take your time and ask her if anything is on her mind.  
And if she uses words you don't understand, there's nothing wrong with your translator or Babel Fish, in fact they're not necessary as Tamaraneans have mastered Galacticspeak better than some of its inventors. The problem is just that these people have such extraordinary survival skill that they've actually domesticated animals most sentient beings don't even know of. Point in case: the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, which happens to be a popular pet there but considered a dangerous predator everywhere else. The fact that no other race has even come close to domesticating this fine animal puts Tamaraneans on the Top Ten Most Terrifying Survivors in Existence. This is something they're very proud of, but doesn't make for good conversation material as it's an obvious pick-up line. Anyways, because of this, no otherworldly researcher has managed to come up with better names for these creatures, as they kept getting killed on sight (the researchers, that is). My point is: don't be surprised if you can't understand something she says. If you point it out and ask what it means, she will know you've been listening and is less likely to see you as a mere womaniser.

When all this has been done, if you did it right, you now have a Tamaranean girlfriend. Consider yourself lucky, but don't get impatient. It is completely impossible to get a Tamaranean girl to do something she doesn't want to. "

Jules continues by explaining the rather simple methods of marriage on the planet, the penalty for rape (it involves putting the seeds of a tree in the culprit's reproductive organs. The tree can actually prolong one's life and can reach ages of up to three millennia, while lifting the condemned in the air and sustaining him while gravity starts causing unspeakable pain) and pointing out the fact that some Tamaraneans decide to leave the planet in search of a sensitive mate for life.

He further continues by saying that if one should encounter one of these drifters, it is not advised to upset or cheat on her, as this could well cause scars for life (for her) and death (for you and everyone you hold dear).

Now that the subject of dumb things to do has been reached, another thing the planet of Tamaran is famous for is the fact that The Ten Dumbest Things To Do in the Universe can actually be done on Tamaran. This has been proven by what is commonly regarded as the most accurate survey in the history of surveys. The Top Ten is as follows, though there has been a lot of debate on some points. In no particualr order:

10) _Walk up to a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal with your hands behind your back_. No arguments there; the Beasts are trained as guardians on Tamaran, bred to make them even more frighteningly vicious than normal. (At least if you cover your eyes, it will think it can't see you, because you can't see it.)

9) _Drinking fifteen gallons worth of Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster in one go_. Just order the drink in a native goblet. This is sure to put most average individuals in a state of enlightenment, as all brain cells needed for worrying (if not all the other ones) are simply killed.

8) _Trying to take over Tamaran_. The ruler of the planet is whoever defeated the last one in a fight. Besides this, leadership is hereditary. This means that, in theory, anyone can stroll into the palace, challenge the current ruler and take over command. In practice, no amount of strolling has ever amounted to a shift in leadership in an outsider's favour. Not even the most sophisticated Kill-O-Zap gun has ever managed to knock out even a royal toddler.

7) _Approaching a Tamaranean girl and asking: "Have you got a light?"_ Most galactic hitchhikers agree that this is a very dumb thing to do. Most have never tried, but the handful of surviving eyewitnesses are enough to discourage anyone.

6) _Eating a Super-Transformer Monstrosity Seed_. Stay away from Gorka Berries. Really

5) _Hooking yourself up to the Total Perspective Vortex_. This will project an image of the entire Universe directly into your mind, making you realise how insignificant you are, the mere shock of it breaking your spirit and probably killing you. The technology to make this originally came from Frogstar World B, where it was used as a torture device. The Tamaraneans imported it, adapted and downsized it a few notches and now use it for astronomical research. But if you ask them nicely…

4) _Letting an Organ-grinder tree catch you_. See the penalty for rape.

3) _Dumping a Tamaranean girlfriend for no apparent reason_. This spot used to be reserved for "Feeding your planet to a Hyper-intelligent Planet-eating Goat", but the final result is almost the same, especially if your friend happened to be blonde. (Researchers again argue that this has something to do with Saiyan lineage, but no conclusive proof has been offered)

2) _Standing all the way in front during a Disaster Area concert_. Disaster Area is reputed to produce the loudest noise of any kind in the entire known Universe. Standing in front would result in excruciating pain as all of your organs begin to vibrate, your brain is pounded into mush and all of your nerve centres are switched to a state of ultimate pain. Disaster Area is very popular on Tamaran, but all concerts are given with proper security measures (ie concrete bunkers and very large distances between the audience and the loudspeakers). But again, if you ask them nicely…

1) _Making a Tamaranean girl cry while her mentor is within earshot_. This place used to be reserved for "Asking a Vogon or Azgoth to read his poetry to you, but it was soon displaced when a mind mage of Maximegalon actually managed to hear both without so much as breaking a sweat. This, on the other hand, has not been done yet. Apparently, the Universe hasn't produced an idiot dumb enough to do this (yet), so nobody really knows what would happen if anyone ever did this. Psychologists have tried convincing people to do just this, in search of a Unifying Theory of Pain, but none were successful. It should be noted that for the mentor in this situation, 'earshot' can go up to five light-years. That's what the biologists say, anyway. They also claim it's impossible to make a Tamaranean boy cry. Most are inclined to agree.

Robin decided to turn the Guide off.

"Wow," he simply said.

"Is all you want to hear?" his fellow Titan asked.

"I think I've already heard too much."

"Guess you've got some thinking to do, huh?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Anyways, I'm going to bed. Goodnight."

"Goodnight," Robin said.

'I'll never think the same about Starfire again,' he thought.

* * *

Well, as stated above, Azarath will be next. .


End file.
